Hummus.

I first prepared this in honor of this pathetic nation's second-most patriotic holiday, Independence Day (second only to 15^th April). It is vegetarian and Iranian-style.

If you do not already have all of these items, walk down to the IGA and purchase at least the given quantities of these items:

15 oz. can chick peas (garbanzo beans)
1/2 cup tahini (sesame seed paste)
2 lemons (or 4 Tbsp lemon juice if you're a pussy)
4 cloves garlic (you should already have this lying around)
3 Tbsp olive oil (go ahead and buy the good stuff, you stingy bastard)
1 tsp cumin (either ground or seeds; go ahead buy the cheap kind)
Dash of NaCl (you probably have this already).

You probably want to have a food processor handy. If you're severely underequipped like me, a chopping jar will do for the chunky bits. You'll have to work it, but not too hard.

Wash the rat droppings off the top of the can of chick peas. Drain off and save the juices until we're through. Toss them in your Cuisinart or chop them up somewhat finely. Add tahini (it's gooey; scrape it out of your cup). Crush and add the garlic. Juice your lemons, fish out the seeds and big pulpy bits, and add the juice. Find the chick pea juice you drained off and add 1/3 cup. Add the olive oil, cumin, and salt. Throw in whatever other spices you think will do nicely. Try dill. Be adventurous.

Process (or mix - with a fork or spoon) this until it is a paste somewhat thicker than batter. Taste. Adjust as desired, but it should already be delicious. You will (obviously) have a large bowlful, adequate for several servings. Keep that which you do not use immediately in the refrigerator. Cover the bowl with a lid or saran film unless you are that weird guy I lived with in Florida.

Now that you have half a shitload of hummus, you may care to eat it. Put that spoon down, you vacuous git; follow my lead instead:

Cut some thick flatbread ('Pita Pocket' is OK if you're a loser) into wedges and toast it by lightly brushing both sides of each piece with olive oil and placing in frying pan on low heat. Use a gas stove, for Christ's sake. Flip the slices. Toast until they are slightly crispy, but not brittle. Place artfully onto your plate next to a helping of hummus (a few to several spoonfuls). Place some cucumber slices on the side. Pour a glass of goat\'s milk (cow is fine; do not use skim unless you are a tasteless prick). Enjoy your meal. Burn a flag afterwards, if desired.

Recipes.