Waffles.

I first prepared this dish when a certain lady came to visit me for my birthday. My heart was temporarily softened by what gifts she bore, and I prepared for her in the morning a sumptuous repast.

Acquire for yourself these fine items from your nearest Foodliner distribution center in these minimum quantities:

2 cups Bisquick (because it's easier than combining flour, baking soda, and deadly preservatives all by yourself)
1 1/3 cups milk (maybe even use buttermilk; stop grimacing, you wuss)
1 Tbsp vegetable oil (I know you've a bottle stashed in the bedroom)
3 eggs (these are the white ovoid things that come from a chicken's cloaca)

Have a larger and a smaller mixing bowl ready, as well as an eggbeater. Yes, you will be beating eggs.

Begin heating your waffle iron. If you do not own one, commit suicide instead.

Add the Bisquick to the larger mixing bowl. Do not put it away yet.

Separate the egg yolks from the whites, placing the former in with the Bisquick and the latter in the smaller bowl. This may be accomplished by cracking each egg upwards over the smaller bowl and letting the albumen fall in as you carefully pass the unbroken yolk back and forth between each shell half. In the event of a breakage, abort the egg into the larger bowl. The chalazae are admitted in either location.

Beat the egg whites thoroughly until they form stiff peaks when the egg beater (turned off, you twit) is vertically removed from the bowl. This should take about three minutes. Set them aside momentarily.

Add the milk and vegetable oil to the larger bowl; keep the milk handy. Mix with the egg beater until no chunks remain. Add to the mixture Bisquick (if too thin) or milk (if too thick) until it reaches a thin batter consistency.

Fold in the stiffened egg whites. For you culinary imbeciles, this means that you should dump the solid egg mass into the batter and use a spatula to repeatedly bring the bottom of the emulsion over the top until consistent.

Open your now-heated waffle iron and pour in batter. This typically involves about three quarters of a cup of batter. Use your better judgment; you do not want to drown your iron, but instead simply supply it with a good serving of batter with which it may form the perfect breakfast. Let cook until golden-brown and crispy on the outside, which should take about three minutes. With a fork or similar utensil, remove the completed waffle from the iron and serve. Repeat this step until all batter is consumed.

You will enjoy your waffles with a modest helping of maple syrup. If you use anything other than 100% pure maple syrup, I will find you and bring to you great bodily harm. I am serious; if I see any Aunt Jemima or Log Cabin or some analogue in your cupboard, I will replace your knife block with your chest.

Any uneaten waffles may be frozen for use at a later time. You may leave slightly undercooked any part of the batch which you predict may not be immediately eaten so that it may finish its crispening in the toaster as you reheat your repast. Such leftovers may be used in a dessert which involves a high-grade vanilla ice cream, but only on the condition that no artificial vanilla flavouring has been used in lieu of real vanilla bean. Any action taken to the contrary will be met with the harsh retribution earlier described.

If performed properly, the preparation of this plate will bring great joy to the woman whom you love.

Recipes.